Favorite Quotes and Truths for Tough Times

 2012-13 was a time of healing and joy for me, so I thought I'd share some things from the notebook I kept during that time.  Each of these thoughts had a profound effect on me, not merely a passing thought.  I worked hard to change into a woman of strength and love.  I fought the temptation to become bitter and blame, and instead to find what I needed to change to become the kind of person I longed to be.  I had a long way to go, so there are many ideas included.  Many are about Christ and His Atonement because to me, it is only through Him that I have healed from heartbreak, despair, and hopelessness.  I went from feeling completely broken to almost whole.  Because this is mortality, I don't know if I will ever feel completely "done."  In a way, I never want to be, because I never want to NOT need my Savior.  
Here are my beginning thoughts from the beginning of my change.  This list is far from complete, as people would come into my life, however brief and make a difference, lessons, music, and many other things aided me in going from broken and suicidal to happy and content.  Here goes:

"It seems like every good quality we can and should obtain comes (really) from our love of the Lord. The more we love and understand Him, the easier and deeper living the principles of the gospel become."

Proverbs 3:5-7 "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the Lord and depart from evil."

Gaining an eternal perspective changes how I meet challenges:
https://www.facebook.com/richard.genck/posts/10213565796233747

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”― Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles"

Happiness comes from trusting, loving, and knowing God and feeling his love and sharing that love. Being grateful for everything.

Mosiah 3:19 ....willing to submit to all things the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon you..."
I really made a change for the better when I became willing to "submit to all things…" The Lord sees fit to inflict on me. I've learned I can really, really trust Him. I trust he'll help me through everything I go through and the trials I go through will be for my good. I've imagined the worst possible scenarios and got to the point where I could humbly accept the worst things I can imagine, knowing God will give me strength. I take personal inventory every once in a while to see if I am still willing, and if I'm not, I humble myself again.  

The book "Falling to Heaven-the Surprising Path to Happiness" has many truths in it that help explain where I am and how I got here. One of the principles it talks about is the idea about self-help books. In Mosiah, Korihor taught we get self-esteem by feeling good about ourselves and being smart, etc. Instead, I have found that we get our self-esteem from feeling lowly in spirit and being willing to submit to being taught with God's lesson plans for us individually. The Lord lifts us up if we bow down to him, and submit humbly to his will. That goes along with Ether 12:27 and Alma 53:20-21  weaknesses turned to strength as we submit humbly to God.  Another biggie is Elder Uchtdorf's quote, "Compared to God, man is nothing, yet we are everything to God."  That is so true!

"Find joy in the journey" (which is easy because I have been delivered from hell, so all the little things in my new life are little joys and tender mercies.  I am so FULL OF GRATITUDE.  Sometimes I still forget and realize I'm feeling sorry for myself.  I can't believe how easy it is to forget -it is astounding, because I thought I would never forget!  I realize how I need hard things in my life to keep me NEEDING the Lord.  I don't feel the same way about hardships as I used to.  I appreciate them, even if I don't enjoy them.  

When there is severe dysfuction in life, I don't think there can be much growth.  I really think personal growth is stunted by fear.  No matter where the fear is coming from.  

I surround myself with only positive, good things: music, media, movies. I almost never watch movies because so few of them are positive or good. There is a particular CD I listen to every day. Sometimes I think I must be weird for never getting tired of it and make myself listen to something else for a while.... but I found myself not feeling as close to the Lord as before and put the CD back in and feel close to the Lord again. It is called We Must Sing by Rob Gardner.  

Striving to totally forgive my enemies
Boyd K Packer taught that I cannot forgive myself of sins and I cannot repair myself. Only Christ can do that.  I can repent and search for false beliefs, but He forgives, heals, and strengthens.

The ancient apostles and prophets understood the pain and different emotions we experience in life. Nephi wrote about feelings of deep depression, anger, viewing his brothers and inlaws as enemies, having to separate from them for his own good.  Wanting to, but struggling to feel uplifted by the Lord.  Every prophet after that seems to experienced a lot of pain, so why should I think I won't?  

"The future is as bright as my faith" – Pres. Monson

The Lord will keep his promises according to my faith like he did with protecting King Mosiah's sons according to his faith

 Elder Wirthlin taught about the law of compensation - how every tear shed will be reconciled a hundredfold.

Learning that what other people think of me really doesn't matter to my happiness.  

The sacrament is a very sacred experience now. I think about the phenomenal feat that Christ accomplished in suffering the atonement-  He suffered the taunts and scourging and the crown of thorns…AFTER suffering for the sins of all mankind! How exhausted he must have been! Yet, He wasn't just perfect in his actions but also in his thoughts! At any time during his trial and torture, one stray thought of his could have wiped out all of his accusers. He suffered patiently and lovingly. He suffered lovingly! Amazing!!!  He is so amazing!

"He died! The Great Redeemer Died!
He shed a thousand drops of precious blood.
Here's love and grief beyond degree; the Lord of glory groaned beneath the load. He died! And at the awful site, the sun in shame withdrew its light! 
Earth trembled, and all nature sighed, in dread response, "a God has died!""

A Savior was needed because of the infinite gift of agency. I believe we've had agency for our entire existence... Even as intelligences.  There has always been sin, Satan had major issues with pride and selfishness. But God lives by his own eternal commandments. If we want to become like him, live His laws that made him who he is.  Using agency like He does.

Elder Bednar's talk about true conversion 2013 - wow!

My counselor kept saying "pain is the best teacher."  Pain has brought so many blessings. The blessings make the pain so worth it!

Steps to Happiness….According to me
1.  Deep conversion
2.  Realizing my nothingness before God
3.  Turning my burdens over for the Lord to carry (conscious decision to stop worrying....faith is action)
4.  Having total faith in Him
5.   Always keeping thoughts alive about God's majesty and love for me - which is so humbling because of my nothingness compared to Him!!
6.  Making big efforts to be clean and pure in thought and action. Not giving into temptation no matter how hard
7.  Repenting quickly if I do mess up
8.  Expressing heartfelt gratitude for everything – big, little, good, bad
9.  Certain feel heartfelt love and charity toward others. Not just those that deserve it (though that's really hard still)
10. Realizing I don't have to be perfect and neither does anyone else. Extend forgiveness
11. Don't worry what others think of me, worry about what God thinks of me

 Elder Maxwell said of d&c 100:15 "you are in your appointed orbit" . Even though I'm not where I thought I'd be, I'm where the Lord knew I'd be, and I'm ok.   (therefore, let your hearts be comforted, for all things shall work together for good to them that walk uprightly...)

Satan has no power to separate me from the love of God. I, however, do have that power

What I should have done better in the past?
How do I want my future?  Create a bright vision of my future

"I do not have to be perfect to be powerful, I just have to partner with the One who is."

throw out the belief that "if it's right, then all will fall into place." If things are easy, I'm not growing

Faith is action, not just belief.  A belief that leads to action.  Choosing to forgive, choosing to let go of pain, choosing to be happy.

"… Each one of us will spend some time in Liberty Jail." Ensign 2009

"If you judge others, you have no time to love them." Mother Teresa

Christ suffered, don't think we can become who we need to become without suffering.

 January 18, 2015
Bishop urges us to leave our comfort zone and enjoy the ride. When we obey we are immediately blessed. (When was the last time I was in my comfort zone? ;)

Situations don't cause stress – it's how I think about it. Stop and ask myself why I'm feeling or thinking that way. Come up with a new way of thinking.

Elder Holland said, "don't even think about breaking a commandment. If you do, you've already broken it in your heart" yet – our loving God is quick to forgive as soon as we turn back to Him. If we've made a big mistake, we still have consequences to experience, the Holy Ghost will help us learn from the experiences which will strengthen us, give us wisdom and empathy, and actually helps us through the consequence by giving us love that's overflowing. Mistakes are part of our growth here.  They are part of the plan.  Mistakes are a part. of. the plan.  (but still....try not to!  Just don't beat yourself up for them!)

Parenting
1. Ask, "how can I help?"   instead of let me help you.
2. Preference versus principal. Choose my battles
3. Act the same in private and public
4. Praise the child for who they are, not for what they do
5. Evaluate their efforts, not their results
6. Truths taught in anger will not be taken as truth by the child. Only principles taught in love
7. The extra mile principal – want to go the extra mile
8.  The amygdala is not the thinking part of the brain – it's where we feel emotions… To get them out of using the emotion center, quickly ask them questions

 Passover
Exodus 12: Jehovah institutes the Passover as an ordinance that was to be kept "forever." (Verse 24)
It was so monumental, it was to restart the calendar. It marked the beginning of the year from then on. They were to get an unblemished lamb from the flock – the size should be according to the size of the family because they were to eat all of it, even if they needed to invite neighbors to finish it. They were to keep it close to them at home from the 10th day to the 14th day.  They would get to know it. Then they would kill their little lamb.
For one week they would get all leavening out of their homes and not leave ANY. Leavening represents corruption and sin – and unleavened bread represents repentance.
John 8:  Barrabas means "father's son"
At the Passover, the lamb was to be sacrificed on the north side of the altar. Christ was crucified on the north side of the temple
Pilate.... right next to the temple...presents a flogged, crowned, mocked Christ and asked the people if he could release him. They stopped sacrificing lambs to go and tell Pilate to let the "son of the father" – Barabbas go, and kill Christ, the ture lamb, the true son of the Father! It's like having Christ presented in sacrament meeting – during the sacrament (Passover) and they don't recognize him and reject him and call for his death!  How blind we are, yet, how He loves us!!!!!!   I love that Christ was still while he was being challenged or attacked. He quietly, lovingly, cleverly responded.
In verse 16 he doesn't care that they were all against him. He knew who he was and gained strength from his father. That is how we get our self-esteem. By knowing who we are!

A New Fear Getting Conquered....cadaver lab!

I decided to pursue a career in occupational therapy rather than music, counseling, geology, human relations. That meant I had to go a different direction than I ever expected. I had totake Anatomy. It's something I never even thought I COULD do! 

We started with the skeletal system for the first week... Not too bad. Second week of class, we anxiously sat down, waiting for the big moment and wondering how we were going to react. I was not alone in my extreme apprehension. The TA's nonchalantly carried in three severed arms and placed them in a tray right in front of us!  The guy next to me said he heard that when you feel like you're going to pass out, tighten up the big muscles in your lower body, and it will push the blood back up to your brain. Trust me, I utilized that advice a lot! 

Lab is two hours long. The only thing I learned in those two hours was the trapezius....everything else is real hazy – I was just trying not to pass out and to process the fact that there was a severed arm and a dead body with its head cut in half. That's all I could do. 

Several days later, I went back.  It wasn't much better – I still needed to process what I was looking at and trying to concentrate on body parts and not think of it as a person. We were going through the muscles on the arm and the guy turned the arm over and the hand, with the skin still attached, looked like it was reaching out to grab me. I jumped away as if it was going to get me!  I'm telling you – I wasn't learning anything!  

So then there is today. We are only allowed to sign up for two open labs a week, other than that we have to be in the standby line and hope there is enough room to get in.  I had tried to other times but did not get in.There is ALWAYS a line in the standby line because we know it is the only way to learn and get it alldown for the weekly quizzes. I signed up for 8 PM so got in, and was lucky enough to study with some smart kids and a great TA.  After a while, I got brave and touched just a tendon.  Not like the other kids just grab a hold of the muscle and turn it over, I gingerly went toward a tendon – it took about three attempts – But then I did it! Later I graduated to touching a muscle and then to turning it over.

 I am amazing, in fact, everyone is amazing! The human body is so complex that it is mind-boggling and impossible and incomprehensible to imagine that it could come about in any other way besides divine origin.  We are absolutely incredible in every single way!

End thoughts

MCOM 320 class....I'm sorry that my posts are so long and expressed such deep thoughts, rather than finding simple things to write about.  However, I wrote about things that I had learned, that were meaningful to me - whether they would be appreciated by the majority of the people or not. My experiences also make it to where I feel that if I didn't learn something that really impacts my life in a profound way....it's not very important and I don't give it as much weight as the things that do.

I really enjoyed reading other people's simple yet interesting posts and kept wishing I could do that.  But here we are, at the end of the semester, and I rarely did.  I guess THAT is something I could have written about if I would've learned it ha ha.

I walked a mile with Pleasure,

    She chattered all the way;

   But left me none the wiser,

    for all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow

  And Ne'er a word said she;

But, oh, the things I learned from her

   When Sorrow walked with me!

                  Along the Road - by Robert Browning Hamilton

I learned a lot from sorrow in my life, and tried to share it.  I would want to encourage everyone to not be afraid of it, to embrace life whether you're at a hard or easy place in life....neither seem to last forever.  Embrace the Savior's Atonement, because it makes the hard meaningful and the good, even better.

I sure enjoyed my classmates and Professor Middleton!  You guys were fun and I wish you all well. :)

Things I learned when reading Leadership and Self Deception

Things I learned when reading Leadership and Self Deception

This is such a valuable book and I wish everyone in the whole world would read it!  It is fascinating to see how they diagram the decision process we use to make our decisions, so we can ask ourselves what our true motives are, and live a truer life, rather than one based on the lies we tell ourselves and defend relentlessly.

We tend to believe our paradigms are our true selves - we believe ourselves to be charitable, hard working people, and at times, wonder what's wrong with other people.  Yet analyzing our thought process linked to actions and motives reveal true character.  This might sound laborious and time consuming, but it only takes a moment, and is well worth it.

It is also helpful to know that we all, as in... EVERYONE deceives ourselves on a regular basis, so telling ourselves that we don't - doesn't fly.    The key is to catch ourselves and change our thoughts, motives, and if needed, actions.  While reading it, I noted some people I am "in the box" toward, and am working to get out of it and see them in a new light.  Why?  because it's a healthier and happier way to live!

Notes I took:

1.        An act contrary to what I feel I should do for another is called an act of self betrayal

2.       When I betray myself, I begin to see the world in a way that justifies my self-betrayal

3.       When I see a self justifying world, my view of reality becomes distorted

4.       So, when I betray myself, I enter The Box

When we’re in the box, we inflate others’ faults and inflate our virtues.  We blame so we can justify ourselves.  Our feelings have to justify ourselves, so we have to look at the world as attacking us and we have to fight back.

5.        Over time certain boxes become characteristic of me and I carry them with me.

They become part of me, causing me to view myself in a distorted way.

6.        By being in the box, I provoke others to be in the box

The way they act invites me to be in the box and act in a way that invites them to be in the box and act in a way that causes me to want to stay in the box….a cycle.  It’s like saying, “I’ll mistreat you so that you can mistreat me and we can blame each other for mistreating each other.”

7.        In the box, we invite mutual mistreatment and attain (obtain) mutual justification.  We collude in giving each other reason to stay in the box. 

What doesn’t work when we’re in the box

1.        Trying to change others

2.       Communicating – we’ll be thinking we’re right

3.       Leaving – take our box with us

4.       Doing my best to cope

5.       Implementing new skills and techniques – all will be skewed and ineffective

6.       Changing my behavior -

We don’t NEED to blame when we’re out of the box

We get a perverted sense of pleasure at seeing someone else fail when we're In the Box

The Picture That Changed My Life

I was reading the scriptures this week and came to a chapter in the Book of Mormon where Isaiah is talking about Christ.  It made me think....If I had the power to make life anyway I wanted, I'm sure I would choose to have a wonderful husband, wonderful children, a beautiful home, we would all be beautiful, well educated, healthy and successful.  In fact, we would perform wonderful philanthropy work around the world. Yep, we would be pretty impressive.  

Yes, if I were God, and could create a perfect life for myself, it would truly be a beautiful life.   Why is it then that an all powerful God, who could have had every luxury, honor, prestige, did not do that for himself?  Isaiah describes how Jesus Christ would live and how man would view the Creator of all things:

Oppressed,
afflicted, despised,
rejected of men,
a Man of sorrows,
And acquainted with grief,
stricken and smitten of God,
afflicted,  wounded,
And bruised,
The chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed,
He was born, died, and was buried, not of the king, but as a pauper.

He was trying to do the greatest work ever done, gather as many followers as possible, all while looking and living rather unimpressively.  According to any standards, Jesus didn't have the perfect life, with the perfect family, and the perfect house.  He struggled to be accepted by those he loved...some of his siblings didn't even believe in him.  He lost his earthly father, who must have been a great support to him as he grew, and was abandoned and betrayed by friends.

During one of the hardest times in my life, I viewed myself as abandoned by God. I viewed him up on his heavenly throne, completely able yet selfishly unwilling to give me even the slightest help.  I was so angry.  For a while, I even contemplated abandoning Him, as He had abandoned me, but knew only more heartache would follow.  

During this time, I saw a picture that changed my paradigm and therefore the trajectory my life was on, in an instant.  The picture showed Christ wounded, despised, rejected, and  full of sorrow.  It reminded me that Christ intimately knew how desperately miserable I was, because he went through something that was so hard, he too, could barely accomplish it.

All of a sudden, my anger melted away and was replaced with love and understanding.  I understood that he was there for me and that I had rejected him without realizing it, and it was me that needed to open up to him, rather than waiting for him to rescue me.  In that moment, I understood that if God's earthly life was so full of difficulties in order to fulfill his purposes, my difficulties would find a purpose, too. I endured severe trials for many more years, asking God the only thing I could think to ask - fix my life!  He didn't.  When I was ready though, he did deliver me in a way I could never have foreseen as a possibility.  He has brought me unspeakable peace and is always there for me.  

Role of Men in Society

l was reading in the New Testament in Colossians 3 where it says, "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord."  My kids are all newlyweds and I was curious what they thought of that verse.  I asked them to sound off in a family group text on their thoughts of that idea, and my daughter in law responded first.  She said that "as it is fit in the Lord" means that the husband speaks for the family, but they are still equally yoked, as it states in other places of scripture.  Then my oldest son, her husband, gave an answer wiser than his years.  He said, "I think Becca is right (that's the first cool thing he said, validating his wife) in that the Lord set up a pattern where two people can't preside over each other, one has to preside, it's just nature.  Preside does not mean to rule however, it means to represent before God, and to represent God to the wife and family.  For example, Adam represented God to Eve ...where Eve obeys Adam as he obeys Father."

This is one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard....and while a new way of viewing the role of husband, it makes perfect sense to me.  My confidence in finding a man to be a good husband has been damaged, but if this concept was better understood and followed, it would help men find their place in the family and society again.  Men are struggling to know who they are supposed to be these days.  Media portrays them as either sex driven bullies or weak and doormats to their strong, intelligent female counterparts. If they understood that their role is to develop Godlike characteristics, and enrich their families to bring them all to Christ, can you imagine the transformation in each home and thus society and the world????  

My Very Own Blindside Story

Tonight I had the most remarkable experience.  I visited with my mother about the son my family adopted from Russia in 2002.  The adoption ended with me feeling like a real life Frodo from Lord of the Rings more than the nice nurturing mother I had been when I adopted.  When he left, I was left with a combination of relief that that journey was over, even if it had ended in failure, and  an all consuming sorrow from the loss of a child, when he went to live with another family after 8 years of being my son.  I was devastated, broken, and defeated in every way. 

Soon after he left, the movie The Blindside came out.  I watched on the big screen a young man who was alone in the world and was taken in by a good family.  He embraced the family and his new life, and consequently,  his life was completely transformed.

  After watching it, my heart physically ached so much, I sobbed all the way home, yearning to know, "Why didn't my son appreciate me and even try to belong to our family?   Maybe I wasn't good enough." 

Between the time he left in 2009 and 2012, I really struggled to make sense of the experience, regretting the decision to adopt, viewing it as a mistake I had made.  I went through a divorce, which the me into a whole new world...I began meeting many people whose lives also did not go as planned and who also suffered from heartache in many different forms, heartaches as deep as mine.  I found that no matter the cause of their pain, whether it was their fault or someone elses, I had so much more understanding than before and could empathize with how they responded to it, even if they weren't making the best decisions.  I'd lived the gamut of emotions and understood, deeper than I would've thought possible, and hoped they would also progress through the stages if grief, too.

In 2011 I had been through so much and felt so broken, I knew the only place to find healing was with the promises made by the Savior Jesus Christ.  I fully turned my life over to Him and found strength and healing.  In 2014, out of the blue, my son contacted me on Facebook.  He told me how sorry he was, that he sincerely regretted how he treated me, and that he loved me and understood now that I was just trying to help him live right.  I can assure you I never expected to hear that from him.  Experts told me children with attachment disorder are virtually unfixable.  

Luckily,  I had healed so much, I had come to see the experience differently and had gratitude for the things I had learned through it.  I could honestly tell him I forgave him and loved him, too.  He also accepted my apology for the hard times he had with me, because it brought out the worst in me.

In the last 5 years,  he has become someone I couldn't have imagined was possible.  I believed he was destined for a life full of failure drugs, abusive relationships, and jail.   Because he was readopted using a closed adoption, I am not allowed to contact him,  and after talking to his new mom, I had to cut off communication.  It hurt to lose him again. 

My parents and my daughter did not cut off communications and have kept up on his life.  Every so often, they let me know how good he is doing.  He has saved all his money for his church mission, around $10,000, and now he's saving for a car for after his mission.  That alone is unbelievable!  But it gets better.  He is also someone who people genuinely like and enjoy him - also something I couldn't have imagined.  He has girls ask him for his number often, and it's not because he's so cute, but his personality that draws them.  He is looking forward to serving the Lord by teaching others about Him.  He's even funny!  

His transformation  is no less miraculous to me than was  Mike's in The Blindside, and neither is mine.  Neither one of us could have done it without the Atonement and all it offers.  There are still miracles today, and we are living proof.  

Thank you for listening...whoever reads this, it was good for me to get this out because I see how it gets better and better.  Reliving it isn't traumatic anymore, I appreciate it.  To live is a great adventure indeed!