Role of Men in Society

l was reading in the New Testament in Colossians 3 where it says, "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord."  My kids are all newlyweds and I was curious what they thought of that verse.  I asked them to sound off in a family group text on their thoughts of that idea, and my daughter in law responded first.  She said that "as it is fit in the Lord" means that the husband speaks for the family, but they are still equally yoked, as it states in other places of scripture.  Then my oldest son, her husband, gave an answer wiser than his years.  He said, "I think Becca is right (that's the first cool thing he said, validating his wife) in that the Lord set up a pattern where two people can't preside over each other, one has to preside, it's just nature.  Preside does not mean to rule however, it means to represent before God, and to represent God to the wife and family.  For example, Adam represented God to Eve ...where Eve obeys Adam as he obeys Father."

This is one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard....and while a new way of viewing the role of husband, it makes perfect sense to me.  My confidence in finding a man to be a good husband has been damaged, but if this concept was better understood and followed, it would help men find their place in the family and society again.  Men are struggling to know who they are supposed to be these days.  Media portrays them as either sex driven bullies or weak and doormats to their strong, intelligent female counterparts. If they understood that their role is to develop Godlike characteristics, and enrich their families to bring them all to Christ, can you imagine the transformation in each home and thus society and the world????  

My Very Own Blindside Story

Tonight I had the most remarkable experience.  I visited with my mother about the son my family adopted from Russia in 2002.  The adoption ended with me feeling like a real life Frodo from Lord of the Rings more than the nice nurturing mother I had been when I adopted.  When he left, I was left with a combination of relief that that journey was over, even if it had ended in failure, and  an all consuming sorrow from the loss of a child, when he went to live with another family after 8 years of being my son.  I was devastated, broken, and defeated in every way. 

Soon after he left, the movie The Blindside came out.  I watched on the big screen a young man who was alone in the world and was taken in by a good family.  He embraced the family and his new life, and consequently,  his life was completely transformed.

  After watching it, my heart physically ached so much, I sobbed all the way home, yearning to know, "Why didn't my son appreciate me and even try to belong to our family?   Maybe I wasn't good enough." 

Between the time he left in 2009 and 2012, I really struggled to make sense of the experience, regretting the decision to adopt, viewing it as a mistake I had made.  I went through a divorce, which the me into a whole new world...I began meeting many people whose lives also did not go as planned and who also suffered from heartache in many different forms, heartaches as deep as mine.  I found that no matter the cause of their pain, whether it was their fault or someone elses, I had so much more understanding than before and could empathize with how they responded to it, even if they weren't making the best decisions.  I'd lived the gamut of emotions and understood, deeper than I would've thought possible, and hoped they would also progress through the stages if grief, too.

In 2011 I had been through so much and felt so broken, I knew the only place to find healing was with the promises made by the Savior Jesus Christ.  I fully turned my life over to Him and found strength and healing.  In 2014, out of the blue, my son contacted me on Facebook.  He told me how sorry he was, that he sincerely regretted how he treated me, and that he loved me and understood now that I was just trying to help him live right.  I can assure you I never expected to hear that from him.  Experts told me children with attachment disorder are virtually unfixable.  

Luckily,  I had healed so much, I had come to see the experience differently and had gratitude for the things I had learned through it.  I could honestly tell him I forgave him and loved him, too.  He also accepted my apology for the hard times he had with me, because it brought out the worst in me.

In the last 5 years,  he has become someone I couldn't have imagined was possible.  I believed he was destined for a life full of failure drugs, abusive relationships, and jail.   Because he was readopted using a closed adoption, I am not allowed to contact him,  and after talking to his new mom, I had to cut off communication.  It hurt to lose him again. 

My parents and my daughter did not cut off communications and have kept up on his life.  Every so often, they let me know how good he is doing.  He has saved all his money for his church mission, around $10,000, and now he's saving for a car for after his mission.  That alone is unbelievable!  But it gets better.  He is also someone who people genuinely like and enjoy him - also something I couldn't have imagined.  He has girls ask him for his number often, and it's not because he's so cute, but his personality that draws them.  He is looking forward to serving the Lord by teaching others about Him.  He's even funny!  

His transformation  is no less miraculous to me than was  Mike's in The Blindside, and neither is mine.  Neither one of us could have done it without the Atonement and all it offers.  There are still miracles today, and we are living proof.  

Thank you for listening...whoever reads this, it was good for me to get this out because I see how it gets better and better.  Reliving it isn't traumatic anymore, I appreciate it.  To live is a great adventure indeed!

Why do I matter?

Out of the blue, I got a Facebook message from a woman I've never met, but we have a similar interest, so we're 'friends.'  I had never actually talked to her in any way.  About a year after we became friends, she messaged me and said that through my Facebook posts, I introduced her to a world she knew nothing about, but that intrigued her. Turns out she became interested in learning about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and had joined the church!  She was experiencing great joy and wanted me to know!   Because the church brings me so much joy, I cried tears of joy for her.  That was one of the most astounding things I have been a part of. I had simply lived my life, but it had a HUGE impact on a stranger.

My business writing teacher assigned the class to keep a blog - to write about something that I learn each week and why it matters to my life.  I assumed that the only people who would read my blog would be those from my class.  I have been watching the blog stats and have been surprised to see that people are reading my blog not only from my class but also in Alaska, Russia, and now Australia.  People all around the world are reading about my life, my thoughts, my beliefs.  I wasn't expecting that. It feels a little strange.

Truthfully, I want to be a force for good in the world and hope that what I write will help people accept where they are in their lives and help them to try a little harder to be a little better -  and to be patient with themselves while they change.  I hope that people will not be afraid to look at themselves truthfully, and honestly evaluate themselves, accept their flaws, and then strive to overcome them. I hope the people who read my blog will know that the Lord loves them, and that nothing they can do can separate them from his love, nor increase his love.  He loves perfectly, but to feel that incomparable joy he offers, we need to turn to him in His way.  C.S. Lewis says, he loves us too much to let us stay as we are. He wants us to be refined, to become like him.  While the old me was afraid to let anyone see my weaknesses (haha...I thought they weren't obvious..ridiculous, I know!)  I have learned to LOVE finding my weaknesses so the Savior can help me turn them into strengths.   😃

I want to matter in this world!

Resolving conflicts

Just as there are different styles of arguing, there are different styles of conflict resolution.

There is the competitive style where the person becomes aggressive and uncooperative,  pursuing their personal concerns at the expense of the other. A competitive style is not conducive to developing emotional intimacy.

The avoidance style features non-assertive and passive behaviors. They don't pursue their own concerns or the concerns of the other person. They change the subject or withdraw from the conflict. The style gives them time to think. The downside is that it conveys the message that they don't care enough to deal with the problem because it can put the problem on the back burner. It sets the stage for further conflict.

There is also the  collaborative style where they are trying hard to reach their goals while also having a great deal of concern for the other person. Collaborators tend to burn out on relationships because they invest so much energy into resolving conflict.   Another problem is that they tend to be powerful and sometimes use their strength to manipulate others.

There's the compromise style, which is much more direct than the avoidance style, but it doesn't push the issues  as much as the collaborative style individuals.  It is less time-consuming than collaboration, and it reinforces  that the relationship is between equals. The downside is that people can use it as a quick fix instead of coming up with the best solution.

Accommodating style is not assertive but cooperative.  They set aside their own concerns to satisfy the wants and needs of the other. They give in - which is only a good idea if they are wrong.  Giving in too soon reduces the chance for creative options because it sacrifices genuine dialogue; it may also produce resentment and the desire to get even.

1.   Clarifying the issue:  conflicts are probably caused as frequently by misunderstandings as they are by genuine differences.

2.   Finding out what each person wants: if one partner says, "I don't know what I want, but I just know I don't want things to be the way they have been," this is a straightforward signal that this part of the process has not been completed.

3.   Identifying various alternatives: look for creative options for achieving resolution. Brainstorming ideas can be a fun and creative process because both partners are working together to find ways to deal with an issue. Research indicates that brainstorming increases peoples skill at identifying useful alternatives.

4.   Deciding how to negotiate: after the various alternatives have been identified, it's time to try  to work out some plans for change.
           Quid pro quo: this for that, meaning if you'll do this for me then I'll do that for you.
           Quid pro quid: this for this, meaning if I do this for you than I want to do this for me.
           Agreeing to disagree: sometimes a mutually agreeable solution is impossible.

5.  Solidifying Agreements:  It is important that both are clear abut what has been agreed to.  Partners also need to be careful to avoid bulldozing the other into an agreement.  Couples should take the time to fully explore what the agreement means for each person before giving it the final stamp of approval, being sensitive to each other's reservations.  Look for a win-win, not a win-lose.

6.  Reviewing and Renegotiating:  Carrying out the agreement often brings other issues to light, and maybe the agreement needs to be revised.  Couples often forget what they agreed upon and it should be reviewed as soon as possible.  Remember change takes time.  If both partners are invested in each other's personal well-being and want their relationship to grow, couples can positively resolve just about any conflict.



Most happy couples (79%) feel that their partner understands them,
but this is true for only 13% of unhappy couples.

Almost all happy couples (96%) feel that they can express their true feelings,
whereas this is true for only 30% of unhappy couples.

Happy couples are good listeners (83%) compared to unhappy couples (18%).

Most happy couples (79%) do not make comments that put each other down,
but few (20%) unhappy couples could say the same thing.

Anger Management Styles

I love all of my classes this semester – I am learning so many useful things I can use in my life.

In my family processes class, I thought this was particularly interesting, and have summarized some points.


There are five types of anger management styles that people tend to use:

Pursuer:  pursuers tend to want to create highly connected intimate relationships. They react to their anxiety by seeking greater togetherness in a relationship. They tend to  criticize their partner if they cannot talk and express their feelings as openly as they, and pursue even  more vigorously before coldly withdrawing. 

 Distancers:   Tend to create disengaged intimate relationships. They want emotional space when stress is high. They are private, self-reliant people rather than help-seekers. Partners tend to describe them as being emotionally unavailable. They also manage anxiety by retreating into their work. Distancers tend to open up most when they are not pursued. 

Underfunctioners:   Have a hard time getting organized. These people are too high in flexibility and tend to become less competent when under stress, letting others take over or fill in. They have a hard time showing their strong, competent side to their lovers.

Overfunctioners:   They know what is best not only for themselves but for everybody else as well. They are low in flexibility. During high stress, they move in quickly to advise, rescue, and take charge. In this way they avoid thinking about their own problems. They are commonly known as "Always reliable"

 Blamers:   They have a short fuse and respond in times of stress with emotionally intense feelings. They are usually in an unbalanced type of family system. They spend a lot of energy trying to change other people.  They hold other people responsible for their feelings and see others, rather than themselves, as the problem. They also tend to fight a lot. 

 Culturally, women have been encouraged to Overfunction in the areas of housework, childcare, and feelings, but in all other areas – they are socialized to be Pursuers and Underfunctioners.   Men however are socialized to be Distancers and Overfunctioners.  Both sexes are good at blaming other people. 


I find this fascinating and very helpful as I can step outside myself and evaluate how I function and how I want to function. I am not afraid of seeing character flaws I need to overcome, I am afraid of NOT seeing them.

Online Interview

Doing the online interview was a good experience for me.  It showed me how prepared I need to be for unexpected questions and to practice so I don't go blank.  In reading parts of Dale Carnegie's book about public speaking, I can see why practice makes such a big difference.  Being interviewed felt a little like being put on the spot when doing public speaking a little unprepared.  Practicing both will help me be comfortable (as possible) at both.