End thoughts

MCOM 320 class....I'm sorry that my posts are so long and expressed such deep thoughts, rather than finding simple things to write about.  However, I wrote about things that I had learned, that were meaningful to me - whether they would be appreciated by the majority of the people or not. My experiences also make it to where I feel that if I didn't learn something that really impacts my life in a profound way....it's not very important and I don't give it as much weight as the things that do.

I really enjoyed reading other people's simple yet interesting posts and kept wishing I could do that.  But here we are, at the end of the semester, and I rarely did.  I guess THAT is something I could have written about if I would've learned it ha ha.

I walked a mile with Pleasure,

    She chattered all the way;

   But left me none the wiser,

    for all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow

  And Ne'er a word said she;

But, oh, the things I learned from her

   When Sorrow walked with me!

                  Along the Road - by Robert Browning Hamilton

I learned a lot from sorrow in my life, and tried to share it.  I would want to encourage everyone to not be afraid of it, to embrace life whether you're at a hard or easy place in life....neither seem to last forever.  Embrace the Savior's Atonement, because it makes the hard meaningful and the good, even better.

I sure enjoyed my classmates and Professor Middleton!  You guys were fun and I wish you all well. :)

Things I learned when reading Leadership and Self Deception

Things I learned when reading Leadership and Self Deception

This is such a valuable book and I wish everyone in the whole world would read it!  It is fascinating to see how they diagram the decision process we use to make our decisions, so we can ask ourselves what our true motives are, and live a truer life, rather than one based on the lies we tell ourselves and defend relentlessly.

We tend to believe our paradigms are our true selves - we believe ourselves to be charitable, hard working people, and at times, wonder what's wrong with other people.  Yet analyzing our thought process linked to actions and motives reveal true character.  This might sound laborious and time consuming, but it only takes a moment, and is well worth it.

It is also helpful to know that we all, as in... EVERYONE deceives ourselves on a regular basis, so telling ourselves that we don't - doesn't fly.    The key is to catch ourselves and change our thoughts, motives, and if needed, actions.  While reading it, I noted some people I am "in the box" toward, and am working to get out of it and see them in a new light.  Why?  because it's a healthier and happier way to live!

Notes I took:

1.        An act contrary to what I feel I should do for another is called an act of self betrayal

2.       When I betray myself, I begin to see the world in a way that justifies my self-betrayal

3.       When I see a self justifying world, my view of reality becomes distorted

4.       So, when I betray myself, I enter The Box

When we’re in the box, we inflate others’ faults and inflate our virtues.  We blame so we can justify ourselves.  Our feelings have to justify ourselves, so we have to look at the world as attacking us and we have to fight back.

5.        Over time certain boxes become characteristic of me and I carry them with me.

They become part of me, causing me to view myself in a distorted way.

6.        By being in the box, I provoke others to be in the box

The way they act invites me to be in the box and act in a way that invites them to be in the box and act in a way that causes me to want to stay in the box….a cycle.  It’s like saying, “I’ll mistreat you so that you can mistreat me and we can blame each other for mistreating each other.”

7.        In the box, we invite mutual mistreatment and attain (obtain) mutual justification.  We collude in giving each other reason to stay in the box. 

What doesn’t work when we’re in the box

1.        Trying to change others

2.       Communicating – we’ll be thinking we’re right

3.       Leaving – take our box with us

4.       Doing my best to cope

5.       Implementing new skills and techniques – all will be skewed and ineffective

6.       Changing my behavior -

We don’t NEED to blame when we’re out of the box

We get a perverted sense of pleasure at seeing someone else fail when we're In the Box

The Picture That Changed My Life

I was reading the scriptures this week and came to a chapter in the Book of Mormon where Isaiah is talking about Christ.  It made me think....If I had the power to make life anyway I wanted, I'm sure I would choose to have a wonderful husband, wonderful children, a beautiful home, we would all be beautiful, well educated, healthy and successful.  In fact, we would perform wonderful philanthropy work around the world. Yep, we would be pretty impressive.  

Yes, if I were God, and could create a perfect life for myself, it would truly be a beautiful life.   Why is it then that an all powerful God, who could have had every luxury, honor, prestige, did not do that for himself?  Isaiah describes how Jesus Christ would live and how man would view the Creator of all things:

Oppressed,
afflicted, despised,
rejected of men,
a Man of sorrows,
And acquainted with grief,
stricken and smitten of God,
afflicted,  wounded,
And bruised,
The chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed,
He was born, died, and was buried, not of the king, but as a pauper.

He was trying to do the greatest work ever done, gather as many followers as possible, all while looking and living rather unimpressively.  According to any standards, Jesus didn't have the perfect life, with the perfect family, and the perfect house.  He struggled to be accepted by those he loved...some of his siblings didn't even believe in him.  He lost his earthly father, who must have been a great support to him as he grew, and was abandoned and betrayed by friends.

During one of the hardest times in my life, I viewed myself as abandoned by God. I viewed him up on his heavenly throne, completely able yet selfishly unwilling to give me even the slightest help.  I was so angry.  For a while, I even contemplated abandoning Him, as He had abandoned me, but knew only more heartache would follow.  

During this time, I saw a picture that changed my paradigm and therefore the trajectory my life was on, in an instant.  The picture showed Christ wounded, despised, rejected, and  full of sorrow.  It reminded me that Christ intimately knew how desperately miserable I was, because he went through something that was so hard, he too, could barely accomplish it.

All of a sudden, my anger melted away and was replaced with love and understanding.  I understood that he was there for me and that I had rejected him without realizing it, and it was me that needed to open up to him, rather than waiting for him to rescue me.  In that moment, I understood that if God's earthly life was so full of difficulties in order to fulfill his purposes, my difficulties would find a purpose, too. I endured severe trials for many more years, asking God the only thing I could think to ask - fix my life!  He didn't.  When I was ready though, he did deliver me in a way I could never have foreseen as a possibility.  He has brought me unspeakable peace and is always there for me.  

Role of Men in Society

l was reading in the New Testament in Colossians 3 where it says, "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord."  My kids are all newlyweds and I was curious what they thought of that verse.  I asked them to sound off in a family group text on their thoughts of that idea, and my daughter in law responded first.  She said that "as it is fit in the Lord" means that the husband speaks for the family, but they are still equally yoked, as it states in other places of scripture.  Then my oldest son, her husband, gave an answer wiser than his years.  He said, "I think Becca is right (that's the first cool thing he said, validating his wife) in that the Lord set up a pattern where two people can't preside over each other, one has to preside, it's just nature.  Preside does not mean to rule however, it means to represent before God, and to represent God to the wife and family.  For example, Adam represented God to Eve ...where Eve obeys Adam as he obeys Father."

This is one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard....and while a new way of viewing the role of husband, it makes perfect sense to me.  My confidence in finding a man to be a good husband has been damaged, but if this concept was better understood and followed, it would help men find their place in the family and society again.  Men are struggling to know who they are supposed to be these days.  Media portrays them as either sex driven bullies or weak and doormats to their strong, intelligent female counterparts. If they understood that their role is to develop Godlike characteristics, and enrich their families to bring them all to Christ, can you imagine the transformation in each home and thus society and the world????  

My Very Own Blindside Story

Tonight I had the most remarkable experience.  I visited with my mother about the son my family adopted from Russia in 2002.  The adoption ended with me feeling like a real life Frodo from Lord of the Rings more than the nice nurturing mother I had been when I adopted.  When he left, I was left with a combination of relief that that journey was over, even if it had ended in failure, and  an all consuming sorrow from the loss of a child, when he went to live with another family after 8 years of being my son.  I was devastated, broken, and defeated in every way. 

Soon after he left, the movie The Blindside came out.  I watched on the big screen a young man who was alone in the world and was taken in by a good family.  He embraced the family and his new life, and consequently,  his life was completely transformed.

  After watching it, my heart physically ached so much, I sobbed all the way home, yearning to know, "Why didn't my son appreciate me and even try to belong to our family?   Maybe I wasn't good enough." 

Between the time he left in 2009 and 2012, I really struggled to make sense of the experience, regretting the decision to adopt, viewing it as a mistake I had made.  I went through a divorce, which the me into a whole new world...I began meeting many people whose lives also did not go as planned and who also suffered from heartache in many different forms, heartaches as deep as mine.  I found that no matter the cause of their pain, whether it was their fault or someone elses, I had so much more understanding than before and could empathize with how they responded to it, even if they weren't making the best decisions.  I'd lived the gamut of emotions and understood, deeper than I would've thought possible, and hoped they would also progress through the stages if grief, too.

In 2011 I had been through so much and felt so broken, I knew the only place to find healing was with the promises made by the Savior Jesus Christ.  I fully turned my life over to Him and found strength and healing.  In 2014, out of the blue, my son contacted me on Facebook.  He told me how sorry he was, that he sincerely regretted how he treated me, and that he loved me and understood now that I was just trying to help him live right.  I can assure you I never expected to hear that from him.  Experts told me children with attachment disorder are virtually unfixable.  

Luckily,  I had healed so much, I had come to see the experience differently and had gratitude for the things I had learned through it.  I could honestly tell him I forgave him and loved him, too.  He also accepted my apology for the hard times he had with me, because it brought out the worst in me.

In the last 5 years,  he has become someone I couldn't have imagined was possible.  I believed he was destined for a life full of failure drugs, abusive relationships, and jail.   Because he was readopted using a closed adoption, I am not allowed to contact him,  and after talking to his new mom, I had to cut off communication.  It hurt to lose him again. 

My parents and my daughter did not cut off communications and have kept up on his life.  Every so often, they let me know how good he is doing.  He has saved all his money for his church mission, around $10,000, and now he's saving for a car for after his mission.  That alone is unbelievable!  But it gets better.  He is also someone who people genuinely like and enjoy him - also something I couldn't have imagined.  He has girls ask him for his number often, and it's not because he's so cute, but his personality that draws them.  He is looking forward to serving the Lord by teaching others about Him.  He's even funny!  

His transformation  is no less miraculous to me than was  Mike's in The Blindside, and neither is mine.  Neither one of us could have done it without the Atonement and all it offers.  There are still miracles today, and we are living proof.  

Thank you for listening...whoever reads this, it was good for me to get this out because I see how it gets better and better.  Reliving it isn't traumatic anymore, I appreciate it.  To live is a great adventure indeed!

Why do I matter?

Out of the blue, I got a Facebook message from a woman I've never met, but we have a similar interest, so we're 'friends.'  I had never actually talked to her in any way.  About a year after we became friends, she messaged me and said that through my Facebook posts, I introduced her to a world she knew nothing about, but that intrigued her. Turns out she became interested in learning about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and had joined the church!  She was experiencing great joy and wanted me to know!   Because the church brings me so much joy, I cried tears of joy for her.  That was one of the most astounding things I have been a part of. I had simply lived my life, but it had a HUGE impact on a stranger.

My business writing teacher assigned the class to keep a blog - to write about something that I learn each week and why it matters to my life.  I assumed that the only people who would read my blog would be those from my class.  I have been watching the blog stats and have been surprised to see that people are reading my blog not only from my class but also in Alaska, Russia, and now Australia.  People all around the world are reading about my life, my thoughts, my beliefs.  I wasn't expecting that. It feels a little strange.

Truthfully, I want to be a force for good in the world and hope that what I write will help people accept where they are in their lives and help them to try a little harder to be a little better -  and to be patient with themselves while they change.  I hope that people will not be afraid to look at themselves truthfully, and honestly evaluate themselves, accept their flaws, and then strive to overcome them. I hope the people who read my blog will know that the Lord loves them, and that nothing they can do can separate them from his love, nor increase his love.  He loves perfectly, but to feel that incomparable joy he offers, we need to turn to him in His way.  C.S. Lewis says, he loves us too much to let us stay as we are. He wants us to be refined, to become like him.  While the old me was afraid to let anyone see my weaknesses (haha...I thought they weren't obvious..ridiculous, I know!)  I have learned to LOVE finding my weaknesses so the Savior can help me turn them into strengths.   😃

I want to matter in this world!

Resolving conflicts

Just as there are different styles of arguing, there are different styles of conflict resolution.

There is the competitive style where the person becomes aggressive and uncooperative,  pursuing their personal concerns at the expense of the other. A competitive style is not conducive to developing emotional intimacy.

The avoidance style features non-assertive and passive behaviors. They don't pursue their own concerns or the concerns of the other person. They change the subject or withdraw from the conflict. The style gives them time to think. The downside is that it conveys the message that they don't care enough to deal with the problem because it can put the problem on the back burner. It sets the stage for further conflict.

There is also the  collaborative style where they are trying hard to reach their goals while also having a great deal of concern for the other person. Collaborators tend to burn out on relationships because they invest so much energy into resolving conflict.   Another problem is that they tend to be powerful and sometimes use their strength to manipulate others.

There's the compromise style, which is much more direct than the avoidance style, but it doesn't push the issues  as much as the collaborative style individuals.  It is less time-consuming than collaboration, and it reinforces  that the relationship is between equals. The downside is that people can use it as a quick fix instead of coming up with the best solution.

Accommodating style is not assertive but cooperative.  They set aside their own concerns to satisfy the wants and needs of the other. They give in - which is only a good idea if they are wrong.  Giving in too soon reduces the chance for creative options because it sacrifices genuine dialogue; it may also produce resentment and the desire to get even.

1.   Clarifying the issue:  conflicts are probably caused as frequently by misunderstandings as they are by genuine differences.

2.   Finding out what each person wants: if one partner says, "I don't know what I want, but I just know I don't want things to be the way they have been," this is a straightforward signal that this part of the process has not been completed.

3.   Identifying various alternatives: look for creative options for achieving resolution. Brainstorming ideas can be a fun and creative process because both partners are working together to find ways to deal with an issue. Research indicates that brainstorming increases peoples skill at identifying useful alternatives.

4.   Deciding how to negotiate: after the various alternatives have been identified, it's time to try  to work out some plans for change.
           Quid pro quo: this for that, meaning if you'll do this for me then I'll do that for you.
           Quid pro quid: this for this, meaning if I do this for you than I want to do this for me.
           Agreeing to disagree: sometimes a mutually agreeable solution is impossible.

5.  Solidifying Agreements:  It is important that both are clear abut what has been agreed to.  Partners also need to be careful to avoid bulldozing the other into an agreement.  Couples should take the time to fully explore what the agreement means for each person before giving it the final stamp of approval, being sensitive to each other's reservations.  Look for a win-win, not a win-lose.

6.  Reviewing and Renegotiating:  Carrying out the agreement often brings other issues to light, and maybe the agreement needs to be revised.  Couples often forget what they agreed upon and it should be reviewed as soon as possible.  Remember change takes time.  If both partners are invested in each other's personal well-being and want their relationship to grow, couples can positively resolve just about any conflict.



Most happy couples (79%) feel that their partner understands them,
but this is true for only 13% of unhappy couples.

Almost all happy couples (96%) feel that they can express their true feelings,
whereas this is true for only 30% of unhappy couples.

Happy couples are good listeners (83%) compared to unhappy couples (18%).

Most happy couples (79%) do not make comments that put each other down,
but few (20%) unhappy couples could say the same thing.

Anger Management Styles

I love all of my classes this semester – I am learning so many useful things I can use in my life.

In my family processes class, I thought this was particularly interesting, and have summarized some points.


There are five types of anger management styles that people tend to use:

Pursuer:  pursuers tend to want to create highly connected intimate relationships. They react to their anxiety by seeking greater togetherness in a relationship. They tend to  criticize their partner if they cannot talk and express their feelings as openly as they, and pursue even  more vigorously before coldly withdrawing. 

 Distancers:   Tend to create disengaged intimate relationships. They want emotional space when stress is high. They are private, self-reliant people rather than help-seekers. Partners tend to describe them as being emotionally unavailable. They also manage anxiety by retreating into their work. Distancers tend to open up most when they are not pursued. 

Underfunctioners:   Have a hard time getting organized. These people are too high in flexibility and tend to become less competent when under stress, letting others take over or fill in. They have a hard time showing their strong, competent side to their lovers.

Overfunctioners:   They know what is best not only for themselves but for everybody else as well. They are low in flexibility. During high stress, they move in quickly to advise, rescue, and take charge. In this way they avoid thinking about their own problems. They are commonly known as "Always reliable"

 Blamers:   They have a short fuse and respond in times of stress with emotionally intense feelings. They are usually in an unbalanced type of family system. They spend a lot of energy trying to change other people.  They hold other people responsible for their feelings and see others, rather than themselves, as the problem. They also tend to fight a lot. 

 Culturally, women have been encouraged to Overfunction in the areas of housework, childcare, and feelings, but in all other areas – they are socialized to be Pursuers and Underfunctioners.   Men however are socialized to be Distancers and Overfunctioners.  Both sexes are good at blaming other people. 


I find this fascinating and very helpful as I can step outside myself and evaluate how I function and how I want to function. I am not afraid of seeing character flaws I need to overcome, I am afraid of NOT seeing them.

Online Interview

Doing the online interview was a good experience for me.  It showed me how prepared I need to be for unexpected questions and to practice so I don't go blank.  In reading parts of Dale Carnegie's book about public speaking, I can see why practice makes such a big difference.  Being interviewed felt a little like being put on the spot when doing public speaking a little unprepared.  Practicing both will help me be comfortable (as possible) at both.

New Hobby - Youtube

This week I decided to go out on a limb, I'm not sure what got into me, but I'm glad it did!  I posted a video on YouTube of me singing the lullaby I sang to my kids every night when they were little.  I even put it on Facebook  for my friends to see, and within three days it had just over 200 views.   It wasn't a great video, just me standing there singing into my phone, and 200 views isn't amazing for some people, but it was pretty fun for me to share something that is so meaningful to my family and me with so many people, and I didn't even have to go through any stage fright or anything.

I've been wanting to record me singing lullabies to my grandkids for years, and I finally realized I didn't have to wait until I had the money for a recording studio....I would let technology work for me for a change.

I did it because I want them to know me even though we don't live in the same city.  Last night my son, Cameron, said they turned it on while Kellie was eating, but when she heard it, she immediately stopped eating and started smiling and smiling! That  holds such deep meaning for me!   Family is so important to me, and even though my grandkids are tiny, I want them to know that I love them. 

I'm going to be adding more lullabies and my daughter is going to put picture slides on it while it's playing....much more interesting than watching me sing.  I love singing and am so happy I found an outlet that at least a few will appreciate.

So, what I learned this week is to believe in myself and pursue things I love, even if it doesn't make money, and even if it's not appreciated by the majority of the people.

Here's a link to it if anybody wants to see it...and tell me nice things about it...and suggestions for my future songs :)   If you don't like it, be like Thumper and just don't say anything at all.
Stay Awake

Rose Marie Reid

After class in the library this week, I decided to revisit the display featuring Rose Marie Reid’s famous swimming suits. Unlike the first time, there was an lady giving a tour to some friends, and they graciously invited me to join them. The tour guide turned out to be none other than Rose Marie's daughter, Carole, who told stories about what it was like growing up with such an internationally famous and influential mother.  Wow...Rose Marie was an incredible woman!  It sounded like she loved everyone, from iconic movie stars such as Joan Crawford, to the butcher and the phone operator. She touched their lives not only by sharing her immense love with them but also her love of the gospel. She said, “Tell everyone you meet that you are a Mormon, and then live it to the utmost of your ability.”

I love how she did not allow the lures of stardom change her, like we see so many other people do.  She served throughout her whole life in philanthropic projects, missionary work, and whatever else the prophet (personally) asked her to do.

I got the opportunity to become friends with Carole, and look forward to the opportunity to get to know her better.  I love the benefits of being a friendly person!!

We have Rose Marie to thank for many things we still enjoy today.  Go check it out!

What BYU Football Taught Me Tonight

Tonight was such a great game! It was awesome to see the BYU Football team come from behind during the first half of the game (again!), overcome so many bad calls by the referees, see Tanner, our quarterback, playing even though he was injured last week, and just drive it hard until they won! The game was fun and exciting as I high-fived everyone around me and yelled till I was hoarse.  But, it was the after-game interview with the team that really impressed me and taught me something big. Not that I didn't know this principle before - I've heard in my whole life – but I saw it in action, and it had a big impact on me.

Coach Mendenhall was so gracious and positive on the radio – more so than he was during the game (his own confession.).  He spoke positively about their strengths, positively about their weaknesses, didn't mention the refs but rather that they suffered from some severe penalties.  He had lots of reasons to publicly complain about the referees. There were so many unfair calls and 60,000 angry fans filled the stadium with booing and some unsportsmanlike yelling at the refs. But Bronco was gracious nonetheless, focused on speaking so highly of his team, and explained how during the first quarter he didn't know what he was doing – they tried one thing after another after another until they were able to figure out how to beat the other team.  I loved his honesty because...sometimes I don't know what I'm doing and I try one thing after another after another before I can figure out how to succeed.  It made me think, "If he does that, I guess I'm OK too!"   

Tanner Mangum was equally impressive during the interview.  He said that his team just knows they are going to win, even when things look BAD, they just know deep down they are going to win! I watched their body language after some of the really bad calls, expecting to see the stress show, but instead, they stayed loose and seemed oblivious to the stress. They just focused on winning the game and even looked like they were having a good time.  

It made me think of how I handle difficult situations, how resilient am I?  I've been somewhat resilient with the many hardships I've had, but I struggle with discouragement sometimes, which negatively affects everything in my life. It affects my body language, my ability to smile, and my ability to focus.  It affects how much I want to serve other people. It affects how often I go to the temple and how much time I spend reading my scriptures.  Tonight, Tanner showed me that I don't have to default to react in the ways I have reacted in the past.  Outside pressures don't have to effect me.  I can stay focused on hope while things aren't going my way, or when they are just plain hard, and to just keep plugging away with a cheerful attitude - to believe I am going to succeed!

Seeing this play out right before my eyes really caught my attention because  this morning I took a minute to read through a list I taped to my mirror: "Changing Thoughts and Perceptions."  On one side there are stress reducing statements, and on the other side is a list of stress inducing statements.   It's a list I'm usually too stressed to look at....

 It suggests changing thoughts to be more positive, thinking thoughts such as:
"It is not worth getting upset over."
"My best is good enough"
"Regardless of how I do, I can learn from it."
 And my favorite – "worrying won't solve the problem". (Like I'd ever do that! Pshh.... ;-)

Rather than thinking things like:
"It probably won't work."
"I'm not as smart as they are"
"If I make a mistake, I'm a failure."
"I'm getting nervous."
"I'm not BYU material."

I'm not an expert at football, but even I could tell that the BYU football team played with HOPE the entire time. I could tell that they were not getting down on themselves for making tons of mistakes and disappointing 60,000 fans in the process.  I loved how the football team repeatedly said that they stayed positive and believed in themselves and in each other. I saw firsthand how much easier it is to be successful if I keep hope in my heart and believe I will win in the end.  Watching them be resilient, teaches me to be resilient!

And I'll admit it's comforting to know that when I make a mistake, it's not in front of 60,000 people who will yell at me, won't be published in the paper, won't be talked about on the radio and national news....my mistakes pretty much matter only to me. I think it would be cool to be able to handle that kind of stress, though.  That can be my next project on myself :)

Learning to be Tenacious

I learned something so cool this week! Something that will save me tons of money and make my life so much easier!  

Many years ago I developed chronic pain when I use my hands - which made coming back to school pretty scary. Lucky for me, the school makes accommodations for people with disabilities. There is a section of the library where I can go and use a computer program that I can dictate my papers using a microphone, and it will type it for me. The drawback is that everyone around me can hear what I'm saying and I often feel super awkward. Especially when I am writing a paper for a class on marriages and families and I have to include personal information. NOT my favorite thing in the world. I have resisted buying the program for myself because it doesn't work on a tablet – it has to be a PC. I really don't want to PC, so I have been "making do" since January.

On one of my assignments this week, I decided to work on a Google Doc instead of Microsoft Word like I usually do. As I was looking around for a particular button, I saw a button called Voice Typing. With the other computer program, I use an expensive headset with a microphone. That night I just plugged in my earbuds and started talkimg. It worked! Now I can write papers at home, and whatever else I can think of to dictate.

I also have learned a bit about tenacity this week. I have a good friend that works at BYU and she has a lot of connections with healthcare professionals because her daughters have had a lot of health problems. I have gone to see some of the  professional she has recommended, but so far none of them have worked. this is been going on for years and it's very discouraging. Treatments are all often quite painful and expensive, and after a time, I usually just suck it up and stop looking for a while. My friend will have none of that. She sets me up with one phone number after another.

She told me about how her young daughter was sick for 8 years and how she finally found the right doctor, got better and 6 months later was perfectly healthy. Her daughter wanted to quit after 2 years of searching, but her mother never gave up.   It's really important for me to exhaust my resources because it is really important to me to have this handicap resolved so that I can support myself in a couple of years. My friend is friends with one of the apostles who also encouraged her to keep looking. On the flipside, my mother, Bless her heart, advised me years ago that I should just accept that I am going to hurt and that that is going to be my trial in life. Haha...moms. We try our best but don't always give the best advice. It is up to each one of us to be led by the Holy Ghost - not to take a poll on what everyone else thinks. It's our life, it's up to us to make the best of it.

Cherishing Love

I am one of the seemingly few happily divorced women out there who enjoys not being in a relationship.  Being alone is vastly better than being with someone who places his wants over everyone else's needs or who enforces those wants with manipulation, fear, and retaliation.  I believe in eternal families, but I have all but given up on finding a man I even want to spend time with let alone marry.  But this week I realized a new aspect to my happiness I hadn't considered.

My happiness is real, thanks to the greatest gift of all...the Atonement of Christ, but I found there is another level I hadn't realized was there.  I found this out while watching a movie where the husband and wife had such a sweet and supportive relationship with each other...and I cried.  I cried and cried because love is so beautiful when it is real and unselfish and when it is seen for the rare gem it is.   It dawned on me that.....maybe I would want love in my life again.. at some point, but on my terms, not "his."  Well...if it was a healthy relationship, our terms would mesh..and it would be beautiful, like my brother's marriage.  So, apparently I have built wall to protect me from the selfish, narcissistic men out there who are interested in giving little and taking much.

Finding love the first time around was easy.  The first man that came along swept me off my feet, showered me with attention, asked me to make him the happiest man on earth and marry him....so I did.  It turned out that was exactly how he saw marriage.  He wasn't interested in making me the happiest woman on earth by marrying me.  I lived in fear for my entire marriage of 24 years.

Finding love the second time around feels impossible, and it makes me mad when I see married people that don't cherish their love, who are self centered and are looking for an out.  I fear that others will see me divorced and happy and assume they will be happier divorced, too.  IT'S NOT THAT EASY!!!

People - if you have a spouse - value them, show love for them, sacrifice for them, be kind, be vulnerable, connect with them on an emotional level, cherish what you have!!!!!!  Cherish it to the point that it defines your life (not you, but your life).  Don't start thinking you're entitled to the love given to you - keep earning it!  Have personal boundaries, but for heavens sake - love is hard to find and should be treated as the rare gift it is!  Just like personal testimonies need to be constantly nourished to stay strong and immovable, so do marriages.

I also learned that I need to branch out and find new friends.  I feel like I'm in a superficial fishbowl and I yearn to find local friends to be a role model for me (yes, even at my age I need role models).  I know I have more healing to do and want to find healthy people to learn from by watching them model healthy behavior.  I spend most of my time doing homework now, so right now is not the best time I can do that...but I still yearn for it.

This FANTASTIC documentary might just convince me to look around again.  It was fun to see one of my BYU friends interviewed on it - maybe you'll see someone you know, too!

http://www.ksl.com/?sid=36747290&nid=295&title=love--marriage-a-modern-take-on-a-traditional-vow&s_cid=queue-3

Grammar....can it really be so hard??

5:00 p.m.
I think I learned that you can study too much.  Or maybe I learned that I am just not good at grammar, because no matter how much I study, I don't get much better.  I am freaking out.

7:00 p.m.
I had a paradigm shift that led me to be able to put the grammar test stress in proper perspective.

Some background on me - in high school (1985) I worked for an architect to see if that was a good career option for me.  I made friends with the draftsmen who also worked there, who were nice returned missionaries still in college.  I ended up choosing marriage and family over career and did not pursue architecture in the long run.

Recently, I "friended" the drafters on Facebook, and one of them reached out to me via Messenger.  I told him of my interest in becoming an interior designer and asked what he could tell me about it. My interior design teacher had some rather discouraging news about the income of a designer, but I was still interested enough to ask my friend's opinion.

It turns out that my friend is one of the top architects in the state and has done projects and has connections that architects and designers would drool over.  He has designed enormous and complex buildings, restaurants, spacious homes, and office buildings...that are breathtaking!!  He offered to let me come meet his designers - which will give me amazing connections with amazing people!!  And then it hit me - toward the end of my 10-hour grammar test studying day - me passing this test will not end my career!

That is totally different thinking for me.  I was a 4.0 gpa student pre-BYU and haven't gotten lower than a B+ here...yet.  I really think I might fail this test, but the fear isn't so gripping now that I have direction and hope.   Not having direction made me feel I had to be amazing at everything.  Now I feel I need to be amazing at just those things that will help me toward my goal.  I have been very spread out - trying to develop all of my talents and interests.  It has been fun, but exhausting.

I didn't stop studying, but the fear was put into perspective.  I believe that the most important things for me to learn at this time are: be professional in my writing, speaking, and presentations, learn to have those crucial and difficult conversations that are so vital in business (and personal life).  Be personable, honest, and dependable.  I have heard that those skills are valuable in any career.  If I have those down, I can learn the specific skills I need for the various careers I am interested in.  As a designer, researcher, trainer, public speaker, singer, writer, or whatever path I choose, those are vital skills to have.

I plan to ask the designer if he would be interested in an intern while I study the elements and principles of design.  I'm so excited!!  :)  

Gotta Love Natural Consequences....

Last Saturday night I suffered the disappointing consequences of not being organized and efficient, compounded by the fact that I couldn't make up for it because I also didn't take care of myself physically.

I had been anxiously awaiting the BYU football season all year (or for 30 yrs. depending on how you look at it.)  This season will be the first season I live in Utah and will get the opportunity to actually GO to a BYU Football game as a student!  Unfortunately, I suffer from the widespread ailment of procrastination.  To make matters worse, I'm old and can't stay up late anymore without really paying the price.

On Thursday night I attended a graduation of a friend of mine and got to bed at 1 a.m.. On Friday I celebrated my birthday until 2 a.m..  Saturday came around and I could hardly get out of bed or think until 3 p.m., thus not giving myself enough time to do my homework and watch the game.  I was so mad that I made the decision to change my life.

I decided staying at school and doing my homework would encourage me to be less distracted and more efficient, so last week I pulled 8- 11 hour days every day.  I also went to bed at decent hours and have felt so much better.    I am now out of town enjoying a family reunion to celebrate my parents' 50 wedding anniversary without being stressed out and behind.  It's a great feeling!

I love that I can identify things that don't work and change. I want my life to be the best that it can be, and pretending I don't have any problems to work on is ridiculous.  Self deception, where you blame everyone else for your problems, or make excuses, is pointless and self-defeating.  I would never have the life I want if I did that!  Suffering natural consequences is a great way to encourage change, and boy did I get a taste of it this week!

Boxes weren't made to be lived in

This week I am learning more about how to get more of what I want in life.  I didn't like last week too much, so I am opening myself up to new ideas - ones I would not even consider a few months ago.  I am also remembering that the more I give, the more I get back.  The adage - "You get out what you put in" rings true once again.  I am learning however, that being as strategic as possible in where I spend my energy is important, that I just can't do everything!

This new life of mine is pretty exciting.  I am liking this new person I am becoming (getting older really has its perks!).  I believe I will accomplish things that the younger Cathy would never have dreamed possible.  In fact, the former me couldn't dream at all.  Life was a small box for most of my life.  In many ways, I loved my box.  I thought perhaps I was that box.  It had all of my favorite things in them, my family and children, my home, my friends, my blessings....but to ask me to envision a life beyond being a stay at home mom was way beyond my abilities at the time.  In that box I also collected and held close many "I can'ts" and "I'm scared of's" beliefs.  Beliefs I learned as a child and reinforced in my adult environment.  I didn't know I could be any different.  In fact, I don't think with the circumstances I was living under that I could have believed any differently.

Over the years, aspects of that small box - that had always hurt and scared me, began to really bother me...it became suffocating.  It was confusing since it also held my most precious possessions, yet I could not envision a happy future anymore.  I still believed that box was my identity.  The Good Lord gave me direction and courage, and I climbed out of that box.  I left behind the things that were destroying me, and saw the world for the first time.   Instead of being a scary place, I found a great world out there!!  Over the last few years I've noticed that my vision is improving little by little - and the future looks better and brighter.  I had to let go of some of the things I held dear, but that were not good for me.  Luckily, I got to keep my favorite blessings and even add to them.

So, now I look back and love the box because it gave me perspective.  I gained what seems like an unquenchable love for life in all its ups and downs.  I love each and every day now that I am free of the darkness in the box.  Some days bring disappointments and frustrations - BUT..... I'm not in a box!  I am able to choose to value even the occasional stinky day and be happy and grateful anyway!

This week, I put myself out a little more, and I got more out this week.  It is a miracle of the Atonement that we can overcome the difficulties in our lives and choose happiness, a miracle I could not do without and will be forever grateful for.  I LOVE my life!

Boxes weren't made to be lived in, anyway.  

FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!!!!

I had been anticipating the first day of Fall Semester at BYU for months.  I knew I would need to plan ahead, so in April I looked up when Fall Semester started, put it on my calendar, and loaded my 2 week break with all kinds of things that had absolutely NOTHING to do with school....which were the only 2 weeks of the year I would be able to do that.  I went out of town twice, had surgery, got better and took care of my daughter in law who just honored me with my 4th grandchild, got in the car to come home 2 days before school started, when something began tickling my brain.  What did Janine, who teaches at BYU, post on Facebook that very morning?  That there was a fire drill on the first day of school?  What first day of school was she talking about?  I called BYU and found out my first day of school was almost over, and I was 3 hours away!

In general, I consider myself a hard worker, successful at many things, including school, and being conscientious.  On the flip side, however, I also know I make mistakes, which hurts my ego quite a bit.  It's something I tried to ignore for a while.  After all, it's hard to feel confident you've covered your bases only to find that you've messed up BIG TIME!  I still don't know why I thought school started on Sept. 2nd, but I did.  30,000 other students knew better....why didn't I?  It's easy for me to be critical of myself, to feel like I'm not good enough.  It's hard to accept that I make BIG mistakes when I try so hard!  

I am changing, though.  Little by little, I am realizing that mistakes are a part of everyone's lives, not just mine and other 'lame' people.  I used to look at mistakes to be avoided at all cost, but I am seeing life differently now.  If I am not willing to make mistakes, I am not willing to fail.  If I'm not willing to fail, I won't try.  If I don't try, I'll never know what I can do.  That mindset kept me from trying new things and seeing myself in roles outside of my comfort zone.  My life became more and more confined and guarded, which was a product of many things going on in my life, including the way I viewed not doing things "the right way."

I didn't like that me, so I set out to change her.  While I still try to not make mistakes, I don't beat myself down when I do.  I learned for myself that my Father in Heaven loves me immensely, even when I make a mistake.  I look at it as - I chose the hard way to learn something, instead of the easy way.  I feel my Heavenly Father's love whenever I seek it, but especially when I apologize to Him for not doing things as He would have done them.  I am finding that I'm more creative, happy, peaceful, and playful.  I also have so much more gratitude in my heart for all of the things in my life, whether they would be considered trials or blessings, I look at them all with appreciation.  

I will still be quadruple checking the BYU calendar for the correct first day of Winter semester, though.....