Grammar....can it really be so hard??

5:00 p.m.
I think I learned that you can study too much.  Or maybe I learned that I am just not good at grammar, because no matter how much I study, I don't get much better.  I am freaking out.

7:00 p.m.
I had a paradigm shift that led me to be able to put the grammar test stress in proper perspective.

Some background on me - in high school (1985) I worked for an architect to see if that was a good career option for me.  I made friends with the draftsmen who also worked there, who were nice returned missionaries still in college.  I ended up choosing marriage and family over career and did not pursue architecture in the long run.

Recently, I "friended" the drafters on Facebook, and one of them reached out to me via Messenger.  I told him of my interest in becoming an interior designer and asked what he could tell me about it. My interior design teacher had some rather discouraging news about the income of a designer, but I was still interested enough to ask my friend's opinion.

It turns out that my friend is one of the top architects in the state and has done projects and has connections that architects and designers would drool over.  He has designed enormous and complex buildings, restaurants, spacious homes, and office buildings...that are breathtaking!!  He offered to let me come meet his designers - which will give me amazing connections with amazing people!!  And then it hit me - toward the end of my 10-hour grammar test studying day - me passing this test will not end my career!

That is totally different thinking for me.  I was a 4.0 gpa student pre-BYU and haven't gotten lower than a B+ here...yet.  I really think I might fail this test, but the fear isn't so gripping now that I have direction and hope.   Not having direction made me feel I had to be amazing at everything.  Now I feel I need to be amazing at just those things that will help me toward my goal.  I have been very spread out - trying to develop all of my talents and interests.  It has been fun, but exhausting.

I didn't stop studying, but the fear was put into perspective.  I believe that the most important things for me to learn at this time are: be professional in my writing, speaking, and presentations, learn to have those crucial and difficult conversations that are so vital in business (and personal life).  Be personable, honest, and dependable.  I have heard that those skills are valuable in any career.  If I have those down, I can learn the specific skills I need for the various careers I am interested in.  As a designer, researcher, trainer, public speaker, singer, writer, or whatever path I choose, those are vital skills to have.

I plan to ask the designer if he would be interested in an intern while I study the elements and principles of design.  I'm so excited!!  :)  

Gotta Love Natural Consequences....

Last Saturday night I suffered the disappointing consequences of not being organized and efficient, compounded by the fact that I couldn't make up for it because I also didn't take care of myself physically.

I had been anxiously awaiting the BYU football season all year (or for 30 yrs. depending on how you look at it.)  This season will be the first season I live in Utah and will get the opportunity to actually GO to a BYU Football game as a student!  Unfortunately, I suffer from the widespread ailment of procrastination.  To make matters worse, I'm old and can't stay up late anymore without really paying the price.

On Thursday night I attended a graduation of a friend of mine and got to bed at 1 a.m.. On Friday I celebrated my birthday until 2 a.m..  Saturday came around and I could hardly get out of bed or think until 3 p.m., thus not giving myself enough time to do my homework and watch the game.  I was so mad that I made the decision to change my life.

I decided staying at school and doing my homework would encourage me to be less distracted and more efficient, so last week I pulled 8- 11 hour days every day.  I also went to bed at decent hours and have felt so much better.    I am now out of town enjoying a family reunion to celebrate my parents' 50 wedding anniversary without being stressed out and behind.  It's a great feeling!

I love that I can identify things that don't work and change. I want my life to be the best that it can be, and pretending I don't have any problems to work on is ridiculous.  Self deception, where you blame everyone else for your problems, or make excuses, is pointless and self-defeating.  I would never have the life I want if I did that!  Suffering natural consequences is a great way to encourage change, and boy did I get a taste of it this week!

Boxes weren't made to be lived in

This week I am learning more about how to get more of what I want in life.  I didn't like last week too much, so I am opening myself up to new ideas - ones I would not even consider a few months ago.  I am also remembering that the more I give, the more I get back.  The adage - "You get out what you put in" rings true once again.  I am learning however, that being as strategic as possible in where I spend my energy is important, that I just can't do everything!

This new life of mine is pretty exciting.  I am liking this new person I am becoming (getting older really has its perks!).  I believe I will accomplish things that the younger Cathy would never have dreamed possible.  In fact, the former me couldn't dream at all.  Life was a small box for most of my life.  In many ways, I loved my box.  I thought perhaps I was that box.  It had all of my favorite things in them, my family and children, my home, my friends, my blessings....but to ask me to envision a life beyond being a stay at home mom was way beyond my abilities at the time.  In that box I also collected and held close many "I can'ts" and "I'm scared of's" beliefs.  Beliefs I learned as a child and reinforced in my adult environment.  I didn't know I could be any different.  In fact, I don't think with the circumstances I was living under that I could have believed any differently.

Over the years, aspects of that small box - that had always hurt and scared me, began to really bother me...it became suffocating.  It was confusing since it also held my most precious possessions, yet I could not envision a happy future anymore.  I still believed that box was my identity.  The Good Lord gave me direction and courage, and I climbed out of that box.  I left behind the things that were destroying me, and saw the world for the first time.   Instead of being a scary place, I found a great world out there!!  Over the last few years I've noticed that my vision is improving little by little - and the future looks better and brighter.  I had to let go of some of the things I held dear, but that were not good for me.  Luckily, I got to keep my favorite blessings and even add to them.

So, now I look back and love the box because it gave me perspective.  I gained what seems like an unquenchable love for life in all its ups and downs.  I love each and every day now that I am free of the darkness in the box.  Some days bring disappointments and frustrations - BUT..... I'm not in a box!  I am able to choose to value even the occasional stinky day and be happy and grateful anyway!

This week, I put myself out a little more, and I got more out this week.  It is a miracle of the Atonement that we can overcome the difficulties in our lives and choose happiness, a miracle I could not do without and will be forever grateful for.  I LOVE my life!

Boxes weren't made to be lived in, anyway.  

FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!!!!

I had been anticipating the first day of Fall Semester at BYU for months.  I knew I would need to plan ahead, so in April I looked up when Fall Semester started, put it on my calendar, and loaded my 2 week break with all kinds of things that had absolutely NOTHING to do with school....which were the only 2 weeks of the year I would be able to do that.  I went out of town twice, had surgery, got better and took care of my daughter in law who just honored me with my 4th grandchild, got in the car to come home 2 days before school started, when something began tickling my brain.  What did Janine, who teaches at BYU, post on Facebook that very morning?  That there was a fire drill on the first day of school?  What first day of school was she talking about?  I called BYU and found out my first day of school was almost over, and I was 3 hours away!

In general, I consider myself a hard worker, successful at many things, including school, and being conscientious.  On the flip side, however, I also know I make mistakes, which hurts my ego quite a bit.  It's something I tried to ignore for a while.  After all, it's hard to feel confident you've covered your bases only to find that you've messed up BIG TIME!  I still don't know why I thought school started on Sept. 2nd, but I did.  30,000 other students knew better....why didn't I?  It's easy for me to be critical of myself, to feel like I'm not good enough.  It's hard to accept that I make BIG mistakes when I try so hard!  

I am changing, though.  Little by little, I am realizing that mistakes are a part of everyone's lives, not just mine and other 'lame' people.  I used to look at mistakes to be avoided at all cost, but I am seeing life differently now.  If I am not willing to make mistakes, I am not willing to fail.  If I'm not willing to fail, I won't try.  If I don't try, I'll never know what I can do.  That mindset kept me from trying new things and seeing myself in roles outside of my comfort zone.  My life became more and more confined and guarded, which was a product of many things going on in my life, including the way I viewed not doing things "the right way."

I didn't like that me, so I set out to change her.  While I still try to not make mistakes, I don't beat myself down when I do.  I learned for myself that my Father in Heaven loves me immensely, even when I make a mistake.  I look at it as - I chose the hard way to learn something, instead of the easy way.  I feel my Heavenly Father's love whenever I seek it, but especially when I apologize to Him for not doing things as He would have done them.  I am finding that I'm more creative, happy, peaceful, and playful.  I also have so much more gratitude in my heart for all of the things in my life, whether they would be considered trials or blessings, I look at them all with appreciation.  

I will still be quadruple checking the BYU calendar for the correct first day of Winter semester, though.....