Just as there are different styles of arguing, there are different styles of conflict resolution.
There is the competitive style where the person becomes aggressive and uncooperative, pursuing their personal concerns at the expense of the other. A competitive style is not conducive to developing emotional intimacy.
The avoidance style features non-assertive and passive behaviors. They don't pursue their own concerns or the concerns of the other person. They change the subject or withdraw from the conflict. The style gives them time to think. The downside is that it conveys the message that they don't care enough to deal with the problem because it can put the problem on the back burner. It sets the stage for further conflict.
There is also the collaborative style where they are trying hard to reach their goals while also having a great deal of concern for the other person. Collaborators tend to burn out on relationships because they invest so much energy into resolving conflict. Another problem is that they tend to be powerful and sometimes use their strength to manipulate others.
There's the compromise style, which is much more direct than the avoidance style, but it doesn't push the issues as much as the collaborative style individuals. It is less time-consuming than collaboration, and it reinforces that the relationship is between equals. The downside is that people can use it as a quick fix instead of coming up with the best solution.
Accommodating style is not assertive but cooperative. They set aside their own concerns to satisfy the wants and needs of the other. They give in - which is only a good idea if they are wrong. Giving in too soon reduces the chance for creative options because it sacrifices genuine dialogue; it may also produce resentment and the desire to get even.
1. Clarifying the issue: conflicts are probably caused as frequently by misunderstandings as they are by genuine differences.
2. Finding out what each person wants: if one partner says, "I don't know what I want, but I just know I don't want things to be the way they have been," this is a straightforward signal that this part of the process has not been completed.
3. Identifying various alternatives: look for creative options for achieving resolution. Brainstorming ideas can be a fun and creative process because both partners are working together to find ways to deal with an issue. Research indicates that brainstorming increases peoples skill at identifying useful alternatives.
4. Deciding how to negotiate: after the various alternatives have been identified, it's time to try to work out some plans for change.
Quid pro quo: this for that, meaning if you'll do this for me then I'll do that for you.
Quid pro quid: this for this, meaning if I do this for you than I want to do this for me.
Agreeing to disagree: sometimes a mutually agreeable solution is impossible.
5. Solidifying Agreements: It is important that both are clear abut what has been agreed to. Partners also need to be careful to avoid bulldozing the other into an agreement. Couples should take the time to fully explore what the agreement means for each person before giving it the final stamp of approval, being sensitive to each other's reservations. Look for a win-win, not a win-lose.
6. Reviewing and Renegotiating: Carrying out the agreement often brings other issues to light, and maybe the agreement needs to be revised. Couples often forget what they agreed upon and it should be reviewed as soon as possible. Remember change takes time. If both partners are invested in each other's personal well-being and want their relationship to grow, couples can positively resolve just about any conflict.
Most happy couples (79%) feel that their partner understands them,
but this is true for only 13% of unhappy couples.
Almost all happy couples (96%) feel that they can express their true feelings,
whereas this is true for only 30% of unhappy couples.
Happy couples are good listeners (83%) compared to unhappy couples (18%).
Most happy couples (79%) do not make comments that put each other down,
but few (20%) unhappy couples could say the same thing.
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